Author: Mike Urgo
Like most of us, I have experienced rejection. Whether it’s through my personal life or professional life, there are opportunities I believed would come to fruition that either did not work out, or I was told:
It’s just not the right fit.
Now isn’t the right time.
You don’t have the experience we are looking for right now.
I chose someone else.
I didn’t learn to deal with and handle rejection until I coached at the college level.
Some quick background and context:
Recently, I have been working with some college coaches on how to recruit. The biggest challenge these coaches are facing is how to handle the rejection. They are finding that they are spending so much time thinking about how they are going to recruit, rather than just doing it. Their fear is crippling their productivity. I am sure all the salespeople reading this are smiling now, because recruiting is much like sales.
The challenge in recruiting is that as coaches, you are often creating more than a surface level relationship with the athletes and their families. When they ultimately choose to go to a university that isn’t yours, it can cause a myriad of negative feelings.
Feelings of doubt and insecurity.
Feelings of stress and anxiety.
Feelings of anger.
All of which can lead to feelings of depression or sadness.
I am not a therapist, but I can certainly confirm that this has happened to me and I want to share how I worked through it as a means to support those who may be dealing with rejection, whether in their role now, or as they look for their next role in today’s job market.
In the past, I didn’t have much of a foundation to point to or stand on as a way to combat those negative feelings. But what I did have was conviction.
Conviction to me is the level at which you believe in something. First of all, whether you are recruiting for a sport, or in any type of sales, people know when you aren’t convicted or believe in what you are selling. Therefore, your numbers won’t be as high. More importantly, as we are focused more on dealing with rejection, and not on sales techniques (even though they can be intertwined), it is easier to have the conversation with yourself in your head if you believe in what you are selling as opposed to if you do not believe in what you are selling.
The best example would be when looking for a new job. It can be easier to deal with rejection if you don’t get a job that was a massive stretch of your experience. Like, if you are a manager at a small organization and apply to be a director of a large organization, the rejection from that does not have the same impact. However, if you know you are a qualified candidate and yet, you still do not get a job offer or the next interview, that can be incredibly deflating.
The trick for me is to not let my conviction become a negative influence during my internal conversations with myself. It’s easy to think:
What did I do wrong? I should be a sure thing, is there something wrong with my conviction?
These thoughts of self-doubt are so real, and can contribute to imposter syndrome (next week’s episode). The problem with these thoughts is that they are very self-centered and don’t acknowledge the numerous factors that have nothing to do with you and are completely out of your control.
That is why conviction is so important. Your belief in what you bring to the table is so strong, the rejection is not an indication of your lack of worth, rather it’s confirmation that the opportunity is not the right fit. Therefore, you are going to be better off resetting and looking at the next opportunity.
Here are two examples that I love to give to people.
- Imagine recruiting an athlete that you are very high on and would have a positive impact on the program both on and off the playing surface, but they are looking for a big school experience and you are a small school. If you convince them to come play for you, there is a significant chance they will be unhappy and it’s best to understand their needs and let them go to a big school that’s right for them. Then you can focus on the next recruit that is looking for a smaller school experience.
- Professionally, imagine an initial interview for a job that on paper is something that you are very interested in, but initially get rejected, because the hiring manager didn’t think it was the right fit. If, for some reason, you were able to change their mind and get that job, you would be working with a hiring manager that could easily become difficult to deal with professionally.
In both scenarios, you end up back at square one. With the athlete, most likely they end up transferring out to a bigger school and you are back recruiting again to fill that spot. In the professional scenario, you could end up in a situation where you don’t jive with your boss and you are back looking for a new job again.
Something my father has said to me is that if you find yourself trying to force something to work, it is probably not meant to be. Which is incredibly hard to recognize when you are in the middle of it, whatever IT is. However, when you are so focused on making a perceived opportunity work that isn’t working, you can miss the right opportunity that is standing right in front of you.
What I have also found is that my conviction or belief in something can fluctuate when I let outside influences have an impact on my core belief structure. It is imperative to stay balanced when dealing with outside influences as you work through rejection. As I just discussed, conviction is key. However, blind conviction can be detrimental to finding success. It is important to find a balance of conviction.
What do I mean by that?
From an athletic perspective, as I was building a collegiate program, I was committed to my core values and principles. But when it came to different recruiting tactics, I was constantly learning from existing players, other programs and outside influences. Those outside influences helped me improve the program’s social media presence and learn what types of things the best players were looking for in a collegiate hockey program.
The same goes for things in the professional world. Imagine looking for a new job and writing a resume and never having anyone look at it or critique it? It’s great to have a few trusted parties help you craft your resume to ensure that you have the best format, don’t have any simple errors and are not selling yourself short in any areas.
The balance is avoiding too much feedback. In the athletic example, there are hundreds of collegiate hockey programs out there, you can’t consider all of them, or you will lose consistency in your brand. For those who have ever been on the job market, you know after you share your resume with a few people that everyone has a template they like or wording they prefer. Eventually you must pick one and stick with it, knowing that perfection in this world is subjective.
By including outside influence, you will be more confident in your product when it’s met with rejection, because you have had outside parties confirm that whatever it is you are trying to sell is not a complete bust. Which is why it’s important to check in with your support network often when dealing with rejection. They will keep you grounded and help guide the affirmation thoughts you need to keep your conviction in your goals. They can also help hold you accountable if you start to slip into self-doubt or succumb to imposter syndrome.
The challenge here is to make sure you are putting in the work and using the aforementioned external resources to confirm that the work you are putting in is of the perceived quality. These are the people who will keep you balanced. Maybe you are working too hard and causing undo stress and owe yourself a break. Maybe your effort needs to be adjusted and refocused on a new more fruitful area. Either way, being open to advice is key to setting and remembering expectations to combat rejection. Because, if you know it’s part of the process, it won’t hit as hard when it happens.
This is the longest episode I have written to date, and I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
To summarize my thoughts on how to handle rejection:
It starts with conviction and being confident in yourself and what you are bringing to the table. Your conviction should be qualified and strengthened by seeking feedback from trusted outside influences but not killed by too much or misplaced feedback. Finally, the more you can set and remember expectations, you won’t be caught off-guard by rejection and give it a chance to impact you negatively.
Finally, when working to deal with rejection, I think it’s important to know and set expectations with yourself. Sticking with both perspectives, when building out the collegiate hockey program, it was something I had to learn quickly. The first thing I had to learn was how many athletes were out there, which gave me confidence when I was recruiting, because if a player ended up not being interested, I knew there were more out there. It also allowed me to essentially formulate an algorithm over the first couple of years. I knew if I needed to get 10 new players for the next season, I was going to have to contact at least 1,500 athletes and convert those contacts into at least 100 calls, which would turn into about 50 applications, which would turn into at least 10 new quality players.
Knowing this algorithm gave me the confidence to know that if I did the work, the results would come. That confidence in turn showed through on calls, because no one wants to buy something from someone who seems desperate. It can give someone the “ick” as the kids say. The same can be done for yourself professionally. Often, professionally, we don’t go through things cyclically like a collegiate recruiting cycle. The key here is being confident in yourself and the work you bring to the table and trusting that if you put in the work, the results will come.
Most importantly, don’t get stuck in your own head. Talk to people. Talk to your friends, your family, and know that whatever you are working through, it’s only a small amount of time in your life. Work with your support network to focus on the positive and trust that your work and conviction will yield the results you desire if you put in the effort.
Do you need someone to help you work through feeling of rejection or just someone to talk to?
Want to know more about how this type of thinking can have a positive impact on your organization?
Schedule a call to see how I can help you.
Or, perhaps you are an organization that is a good fit for my next full-time career move.
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